My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
