I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
