My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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