She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Your penis caused this!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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