I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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