after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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