nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
