I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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