Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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