If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
