ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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