be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just forgot I was standing up.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
