I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
