Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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