so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
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Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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