It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
