By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Randomize
