if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
