i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
