So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
