I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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