Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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