so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
