he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
