i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
