I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
