and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
