My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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