You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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