Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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