glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
