Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
