There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
vagina is talking i cant
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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