I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
