What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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