I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
