My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
