My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
