woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
