He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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