I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
