Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
