Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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