I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
