she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
