I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
