i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
