too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
