i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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