i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
