I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
