I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
