this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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