I'm lost and stupid without you.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
