he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Hippo gnu deer
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
