God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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