i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
