oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
