i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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