Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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