bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
