How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
