you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
